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The Code Shop - The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
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List Price: $19.99
Our Price: $12.22
Your Save: $ 7.77 ( 39% )
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours
Manufacturer: Oasis Audio
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Average Customer Rating:  
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Binding: Audio CD
Dewey Decimal Number: 646.78
EAN: 9781589269071
Format: Audiobook
ISBN: 1589269071
Label: Oasis Audio
Manufacturer: Oasis Audio
Number Of Items: 1
Publication Date: 2005-02-20
Publisher: Oasis Audio
Studio: Oasis Audio
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Spotlight customer reviews:
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Customer Rating:
Summary: Very Insightful!
Comment: Very insightful regardless of the religious basis. Provides information that will makes sense to both men and women about how to love, but also how to be loved.
Customer Rating:
Summary: Very helpful
Comment: I found this book to be extremely helpful in understanding my family. Once you realize that not everyone expresses love the way you do, you begin to see all the things they do to show they love you.
Customer Rating: 
Summary: Great and Practical Advice for Married Couples
Comment: Knowing we were going to be spending a lot of time in the car on our vacation, I purchased Gary Chapman's classic work on marriage, The Five Love Languages, in audio book format, before we left. It was the first time I've purchased an audio book and, to be honest, I was not too sure what to expect. Though I've heard from several friends that audio books are a great substitute for the written word - I had my doubts. Among them were thoughts that listening to an author read a book would be boring. I also feared the format would make it difficult to follow the author's line of thought and reasoning.
Fortunately, these fears proved to be unfounded. Listening to Chapman read the book was easy and the many stories he offers as examples from his years of counseling kept both my wife and I interested and engaged in the material.
The premise of Chapman's book is quite simple. Chapman asserts there are five different ways of expressing love, or love languages: 1) words of affirmation; 2) quality time; 3) receiving gifts; 4) acts of service; and 5) physical touch. Chapman devotes a chapter to each of these love languages, offering numerous examples and practical tips on how to properly express these languages of love to your mate. At the end of each chapter on one of the love languages, Chapman offers ten tips for expressing that language to one's husband or wife. This is in keeping with the practical nature of the book; throughout Chapman keeps his audience of married couples living real lives in mind as true stories and practical advice make up the meat of the book.
Chapman also believes that each individual person will have these love languages ranked differently in order of importance. In other words, a husband might best feel loved by his wife's acts of service but the wife might feel most loved when her husband spends quality time with her. This can lead to confusion, Chapman says, within the marriage. Because the husband feels most loved when his wife does things for him (e.g. iron his shirts, clean the house, cook dinner, etc.) he naturally believes that she will also feel most loved when he does acts of service for her (e.g. mow the lawn, wash the car, etc.) when, in reality, she would much rather have him spend that time with her. Of course, she feels she can best express her love to him by spending time with him when he would rather have her help him with chores around the house. After a few years of this cycle, both the husband and wife begin to feel unloved and frustrated that their partner does not appreciate the ways they are trying to express their love to each other - all because they didn't understand that their spouse's primary love language is different than their own.
Chapman explains that this is why it is so important to understand which of the love languages are most important to you and your spouse. He also states it is important to realize that these love languages are not better or worse than each other; that they are more a matter of personal preference and that different individuals will respond differently to each of them. Because Chapman believes this to be so crucial, he devotes a chapter to helping couples discover their primary love language. As a bonus feature, the audio book Karen and I purchased included a questionnaire designed to help Chapman's readers (listeners?) recognize their own primary love language and that of their spouse.
One of the few problems I have with the book is Chapman's attempt to blame the vast majority of marital problems on simple errors in expressing the wrong love language to their marital partner, stating that most men and women have good intentions when it came to their interactions with their spouse. While it is undoubtedly true that many problems are caused by communication breakdowns, and I wholeheartedly believe an attitude of grace and forgiveness should permeate a marriage, it seems Chapman downplays the effect of mankind's sinful nature.
Perhaps Chapman just wants to emphasize that every benefit of the doubt should be extended to our spouses (something I wholeheartedly agree with!) but listening to The Five Love Languages it was easy to get the impression that every marital spat, fight, argument and discord could be attributed to a simple misunderstanding; that a "good" and "well-meaning" husband or wife would never intentionally hurt the feelings or demean their significant other. This is simply not true and ignores the fundamental problem in any marriage - that it consists of two imperfect sinners!
My wife and I enjoyed listening to the book on our travels. The format and setting gave us the unique opportunity to discuss each chapter immediately after we were done listening to it. Chapman used humorous stories effectively, keeping us interested throughout.
Customer Rating:
Summary: Love and Listening
Comment: This insightful, enjoyable book offers a wonderful framework for observing and experiencing relationships; and not just romantic ones (although the focus of the book is on the dynamics of marriage). While I was reading, I often found myself thinking about the 'love language' of my mother, brother, and friends and wondering if there were ways that I could express my love that would be more meaningful to them. One aspect of the book that I found particularly inspiring was when Dr. Chapman talked about the importance of listening; letting go of your opinions and agendas and just hearing where the other person is coming from- from their point of view.
Another great book that expands on the idea of listening is: How to Create a Magical Relationship: The 3 Simple Ideas that Will Instantaneously Transform Your Love Life by Ariel and Shya Kane. In this book (and in the approach they teach in their workshops, podcasts and internet radio show) the Kanes talk about how true listening not only fosters intimacy and connection with your loved ones, it also pulls you into the current moment of now, which is the key to satisfaction and well-being. If you want to experience new depths of connection in your relationships, I highly recommend both of these books!
Customer Rating:
Summary: I chose not to love this book.
Comment: In THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, Gary Chapman explores what he believes is the cause of all marital dysfunction and breakdown: the different languages in which love can be expressed. According to Chapman, we each respond to one of the five "love languages"--affirmation, time, gifts, service, and touch--and will only feel sufficiently loved when we're being spoken to by our mates in that language.
The breakdown of the five love languages was fascinating, but Chapman's "love is a choice" philosophy is so bogus, it's not even funny. It's that kind of bass-ackwards thinking that lead many people into unhealthy relationships in the first place, and he wants to keep them there? Please.
According to Chapman, "real love" is a benign act we engage in willingly--like picking up cereal or refilling the gas tank on the way home from work--while being "in love" is a fabricated emotion built on obsession.
"...falling in love is not real love," writes Chapman, "because it is effortless. Whatever we do in the in-love state requires little discipline or conscious effort on our part."
The points Chapman makes are valid, but he approaches them with the kind of anti-divorce tunnel vision that is far too common in these kinds of books. You can no more choose to love someone than you can choose to be a blond-haired, blue-eyed mermaid who lives in an oversized clam shell off the coast of Maine. Oh, sure, you can bleach your hair, pop in a pair of contact lenses, and pretend you're a mermaid who lives in a clam shell off the coast of Maine, but that doesn't make it real.
And that's exactly the point I'm getting at. Chapman derides the "in love" feeling as being synthetic emotion, and yet, when push comes to shove, insists that when it comes to "real love", choosing to fake it is the way to go. Um. I don't have any fancy-schmancy degrees to back me up, but if you ask me, a forced act of love is about as genuine and meaningful as an effortless act of obsession. It's the wavering between the two extremes that leaves this book cold and sterile. I imagine the real "real love" is a happy medium between those two extremes--neither self-destrucive nor impotent.
All in all, I'd say the author gets it about half right, as much as his own personal values will let him. I would've been more pleased if the focus had been on choices made and physical actions done out of love than a crash course on how to fake it 'til you make it. There are a multitude of reasons why two partners fail to make a real and lasting connection with each other, and not every divorce is a failure. Sometimes that' the only way for the family unit to survive without being severely damaged. Asserting that we should all assign blame where there should be none is nothing but a recipe for resentment.
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Editorial Reviews:
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Are you and your spouse speaking the same language? While love is a many splendored thing, it is sometimes a very confusing thing, too. And as people come in all varieties, shapes, and sizes, so do their choices of personal expressions of love. But more often than not, the giver and the receiver express love in two different ways. This can lead to misunderstanding, quarrels, and even divorce. Quality Time Words of Affirmation Gifts Acts of Service Physical Touch Dr. Gary Chapman identifies five basic languages of love and then guides couples towards a better understanding of their unique languages of love. Learn to speak and understand your mate’s love language, and in no time you will be able to effectively love and truly feel loved in return. Skillful communication is within your grasp!
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